I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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