She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
