This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
