woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
