Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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