I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
