just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize