You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
