I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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