dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
