oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
