So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
