If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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