you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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