You just made me feel so damn special
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
