i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
