Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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