I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
