She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
