there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
