I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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