Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
