where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish you could order shots online.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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