I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
