I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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