Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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