eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
