Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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