They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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