I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
