I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't think brook has ever known best
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
