I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
