How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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