Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
thus making me awesome and them whores
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
