Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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