Princesses don't give blow jobs
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
