Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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