dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
