I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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