I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
