I wish life had little blips of pornography
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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