Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
