so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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