The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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