my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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