God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
