She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
