Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize