I cannot find my penis.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
