Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize