I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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