Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
