I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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