Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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