turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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