That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
