I want to walk on stilts...naked
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
